"You may not remember us... many years ago ... my son J. and I attended Music Together classes that you led in Delmar in a church on Kenwood Ave. When we attended J. was very physically active and wouldn't sit with me like the other babies/toddlers. His natural curiosity often made me nervous that I would be seen as the mom w/the wild child. I remember one day, just as we arrived, you said that you had tried to make the room safe for J. to wander. You also told me at some point that I shouldn't worry he was soaking in the music. You were right, and your flexible approach was greatly appreciated and all too rare. Just before J. turned three his behavior had changed, and he was diagnosed with autism. On the upside, his case is fairly mild (although it often doesn't feel that way). He is musically gifted, has perfect pitch, plays many instruments (he basically can decode them) knows all the ranges of each instrument in the orchestra and beyond, takes many music lessons, is in three bands, volunteers in the local philharmonic and loves going to classical music concerts and classic rock concerts too. Our home is overflowing with instruments--large ones! His 82 year-old piano teacher has said many times that J. is the best sight reader he has ever taught. J. had taught himself to play music by ear when he was about three, and I feared he would never agree to read sheet music. Thank goodness that didn't happen. So, why I am writing to you? I just wanted to let you know that we have not forgotten you. Your kind and generous treatment of J. and his mom has become even more meaningful over the years. Struggling with J.'s autism and anxiety is all too often made worse by well-meaning but inflexible adults. I spend more time than I would like to admit trying over and over again to explain J.'s quirks, how to best handle them and how to help him instead of punishing him for things he isn't fully in control of yet. (Showing them) That what is seen as being naughty behavior is actually a cry for help not punishment. ... the minor accommodations you made were a reflection of embracing his spirit rather than trying to break it. In other words, meeting him where he was." My own childhood was very unpleasant in many ways. I turned to music as a salvation, and it worked. I was gifted in music from the beginning. It made me feel alive in a way nothing else did. Unfortunately, I did not have any teachers, friends or family who met me where I was. I spent a lifetime fighting against all of the unreasonable restrictions on me. I fought to be independent and follow my heart. Music and books were the only things I loved as a child. I was not good at any sports and usually got injured trying. :-) I'm still very clumsy. I was also not good in school, hating the restrictions, slowing myself down to stay with my classmates and ending up being bored to tears and living in my daydreams. Although I was failing in school, I aced tests and got high grades on written reports and essays. I was a reader and writer, soaking up information as fast as it was handed to me. School seemed like a complete waste of time. It went way too slow for me. It was a miracle I graduated and was accepted into two music schools after high school due to my very high SAT scores and my musical talent and knowlege. I didn't stay in college though, because it felt like it was more of the same. In retrospect, my mother once commented that she wished she had known of a Performing Arts School or Alternative School for me. She was sure I would have excelled. I was also painfully shy, cringing when faced with people trying to interact and doubled over with stomach cramps if I actually had to engage. Painfully shy is not just a term - it is real. That's why I understand shy children so well and let them come around on their own terms. The more I was pushed, as a child, the more introverted I became. I didn't understand social interactions. I didn't know what was expected of me. My well-meaning mom tried pushing me. When that didn't work, she tried doing all of my talking and thinking for me. She saw my lack of social ability as a sign of stubbornness and low intelligence. Meanwhile, I was reading a few grades ahead of my classmates, was immersed in music and had little in common with others. Because my mother controlled every aspect of my life that she could, I left home knowing nothing about the real world and incapable of doing even the simplest things. Thankfully, I learned how to cope, though it took longer than I would have liked. I often refer to my music classes as an environment for organic learning. I try to make a space for every child to excel in their own way. We often don't know what our children need, and they are not always able to articulate it themselves. If we can drop our expectations and back out of the way, they will find their own way. My son recently told him that his dad was encouraging him to be a lawyer. I found that very amusing. I don't see him as a lawyer. Like me, he is shy and struggles socially. I told him that I thought it was an interesting idea considering that was what his dad wanted to be. I've often been hired to give piano lessons to children who have no interest in it. Usually I find out that it's the parent who always wanted to play the piano. If there is something you love, do it. There's never a perfect time and no time like the present. Then you can let your children find what they love and pursue that with your love and support.
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Some of you know that I teach Music Together® classes in Delmar, Troy and Brunswick, NY. These classes are for families with children ages birth through 4. There are also classes offered for slightly older kids and a guitar class for adults. Most of the classes are mixed-age classes with a wide range of ages in many of the classes. I love my work and can't imagine doing something else. It usually doesn't even feel like work at all. I sing and dance with families 5 days a week. What could be better than that?
Invariably, I get questioned every semester about appropriate ages for these classes. My answer is always the same. The earlier you start your child in a class, and the longer you stay with it, the more they will get out of it. A child who starts as an infant is soaking in all of the music, feeling the rhythm in their body, listening intently and staring at all of the activity around them. It may not look like they are getting much out of it because they can't participate yet, but they are getting a very rich experience. You can tell by watching their reactions to the music at home. An infant will often stop crying when the CD is played and start looking around them. They may start moving their arms or legs when the music starts. Babies start their learning experience in utero. In Music Together, I don't teach children music. Rather, I create an organic learning environment in which they can learn at their own pace and in their own way. We played rhythm sticks in class today, and I watched one little girl try to stand the sticks up on end only to have them fall over. She tried a few more times until she figured out that they wouldn't stand on their own. Because I, and her mother, stepped back from the teaching role, she was able to learn that lesson on her own. We never know what lesson will be learned which is why we don't try to teach. With babies, we may not even know what lessons they are learning. I know that children who start class as infants often talk earlier than older siblings who did not take an early class, and they are often more social. When I ask parents what they think their child is getting out of class, the parents of infants are often stumped. You can always look for recognition of songs, excitement when the music is played, increased facial expressions, cooing with the music and more. In class, I often point out the babies that cry or fuss or coo in the same key that we are singing in. They often match pitch at a very early age. So, what about older kids? Parents often start their children early and take them out when they're around 3-years old. Those kids might be more active, starting to be a little disruptive in class, or they might be engaged in other extra-curricular activities such as swim lessons or a sport. Some of them will start pre-school, making schedules more complicated. It always makes me sad to lose these older kids. Most times, they are finally feeling completely comfortable in class and at the perfect age to start participating fully. Three and four-year olds are an important part of the class. They've become the leaders. You can see all the little ones watching and following the lead of the older kids. Younger children will get more out of watching the older children than watching the adults, including their parents. It's a win-win. The older ones learn leadership skills, and the younger ones learn from them. Older children often become more physically active, wandering around more, even running. There is a "no running" rule in class that can be difficult to enforce, but it's good for them to have to follow rules, and they usually learn quickly. Although, it can be difficult for a parent to have to be chasing and stopping them frequently, I'm always available with tips to help with that dilemma. The music is good for them, so it's well worth it to hang in there. They do get through it, just like everything else. With patience, perserverance and continued participation, every child can be drawn back into an activity. I try to remind parents to keep singing no matter what. The singing itself draws them in. They respond to the sound of your voice. If you go running after them, it becomes a chase game. If you stop singing, it leaves a noticable hole. Remember, your job is to be the participant, modeling for your wayward child. If a child has been in class since they were a baby, they may be repeating a collection. This is so valuable for them. The first time around, they just soaked it in, unable to remember much of it later because the storage facility in their brain is not yet developed. By the time they are three, they have the capability to store memories and, the good news is, the new memories can attach themselves to the old ones and file them in the appropriate place. Parents are often amazed at their child's ability to remember all of the songs from a CD they listened to when they were tiny. The brain and it's functions are amazing, aren't they? In conclusion, Music Together has done extensive research, shared with all of its teachers, on child development. The mixed-age model is done purposefully because it provides the best learning environment for children. The birth through 4 age span was intentionally chosen as well. And, I've seen for myself that it really works. So, if you're in a music class with an older child, please hang in there. If you are expecting a baby or have a newborn, consider joining a class. It's one of the best gifts you can give yourself and your child. There are Music Together centers all over the world. Find one near you. Every parent knows all about these times when your child is just grouchy, and nothing seems to be able to shift it. It often happens at dinnertime. You are rushing to get the meal prepared, maybe you've been at work or have been home with your kids all day and are ready for a break, and somehow, they seem to know that this is the ideal time for a meltdown. If you're feeling a little cranky or overwhelmed, your children will also feel those feelings. I'm sorry to say that these times are often unavoidable, but if you plan ahead and know that it will happen, you can at least prepare yourself and have strategies in place to help you cope. I also found that it helped me to understand why this phenomenon happens in the first place.
In my family, I was a stay-at-home mom with my first two. When my husband came home after a long hard day, he wanted to relax. I'd been juggling kids all day and wanted some adult conversation and a break from those kids. It took a while, but we finally realized that we could both get what we wanted. When he came home, the first thing he did was say hello to everyone, then I entertained them while he decompressed. Once he had shaken off his workday, he oversaw them while I prepared dinner. It was a win-win situation ... unless one of them (usually my son) decided their dad just wasn't enough. I learned to involve the kids in the dinner making process in easy ways. They could rip up lettuce for salad or get things out of the refrigerator or cabinets for me. If they were cranking out, they lost the fun of helping. Sometimes, I just gave them water in a bowl with cups and spoons on top of a big towel and worried about the clean-up later. I realized that switching their focus was the real trick. Occasionally, I pulled out a forgotten toy that I had hidden away. I also made sure they went outside in the late afternoon and ran off some of their energy. Sometimes that backfired, making them tired and cranky, but usually it worked well, just mellowing them out. I rarely used TV time as an antidote but because of that, it was useful when everything else failed. The biggest thing I learned to do was remember that they were more important than a timely dinner. Most often, taking a few minutes to drop what I was doing and give them my undivided attention was all that was needed. Now, when I say undivided, I really mean that. It doesn't work if your mind is still on the waiting dinner. I also tried to remember that there are reasons why they pick that all-important time to feel their oats. It's getting late, their parents are busy and maybe paying attention to each other, they're hungry, and chances are, we're feeling rushed to get them fed and off to bed. Children are amazing. They pick up on those subtle vibes and always react to them. I’ve had lots of conversations with a variety of children that went something like this, “I know you don’t like me talking to ___?___ right now, but this is important to me. You are too, and I will have time for you in a minute.” Or, “I know it’s hard to share me, but I love Daddy, too and need to talk to him for a minute. Please wait.” So next time your child is cranky for apparently no reason, try to look at the situation from their perspective for a moment. It might be very revealing. Also, if it's close to meal time, give them an appetizer, something healthy and light that is enough to hold them over to dinner but not heavy enough to fill them up. The sight or smell of food may be what's setting them off because they suddenly realize they're hungry. There are lots of reasons for these cranky times. The most important thing of all is to stay focused on what you know to be true about your child and try to stay calm and loving to avoid escalation. Here's an article that may help, too. https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/parenting/behavior/how-to-handle-a-cranky-child As a child, I hated being told, "Because I said so!" "It doesn't matter why!" "Just stop crying!" "When you're a parent, you get to be the boss." "Please, just be quiet!" As a parent, I'd like to think that I do better than my parents did, who were young, damaged and struggling to survive as young adults, but I do find myself uttering those phrases I hated and swore I'd never say. There are so many things I start to do automatically, without thinking, because that’s what I learned to do. My parents yelled a lot, at my brother and me and at each other. They also hit us. Being born in the 1950s, things were much different then, and it was more common than today. They both were yelled at and hit as children and on backwards throughout the generations. As a young mother, I sometimes had the urge to hit my children and chose not to do it. I yelled, more than I would like to admit, and still occasionally have to fight both of those urges. What this struggle has done is teach me to understand my own parents more and learn from a few of their mistakes.
How many of us can look back on our childhoods without resentments and praise our parents’ styles of parenting? Some of us can. I know that I can’t. My parents did their best, and yet, they made some monumental mistakes with all three of us. Do I resent them for that? I don't now, but I did for a while. I’ve realized, as I’ve made my own mistakes (some of them monumental), that well-meaning parents will always make mistakes. We're taught that we learn through our mistakes, so it follows that we need to make mistakes in order to learn. Hopefully, as each generation passes, parents will continue to do a little better than their predecessors. Meanwhile, what can we do to stifle those urges? I think the first thing to do is acknowlege them. When we deny them and turn away from the hard realities, they tend to take over little by little. I think it's also important to have compassion for ourselves and for other parents. It's so easy to criticize other people's parenting styles. The truth is, we often have no idea what they've learned from their own parents, what they've gone through in their lives, where they struggle and what is happening in their lives right now. Wouldn't it be nice if we could learn to support each other fully? I've often encountered parents in public who are obviously at their wits end and starting to be what I might see as abusive to their child. In the past, I would sometimes sigh or say something under my breath, or to another adult, condemning the behavior. I noticed that it made the parent even more stressed and, even if it stopped the behavior at the time, I suspected the child would get it even worse after they left. I learned to engage the parent in a friendly way, admiring their child, finding any positive thing to comment on. It doesn't always work but, when it does, it's amazing how quickly the parent switches gears and is able to see their child in a new light. Unfortunately, I've had to visit people in the county jail from time to time. It can be a nightmare of long lines, surly guards and a huge lack of information for newcomers causing much stress. I've used that same technique while standing in a seemingly endless line of families waiting to see their loved ones. Instead of a line of crying kids and frustrated, angry parents, the mood would change, and we would be friendly allies - all of us in the same boat, feeling degraded by the guards, confused and stressed out from the long wait. I wish there was an owners manual for childrearing, but there's not. There are plenty of books that give suggestions, and they are written from many different perspectives. However, every child is unique, as is each parent. One suggestion may work for one child for not another. We each have our own styles and comfort levels. What works for me, might feel very uncomfortable for you. Parenting is all trial and error, and hopefully, we don't do too much harm. My suggestion is that you reach out to other parents for help and offer it in return. Every parent needs people to turn to for an understanding ear and for a brainstorming partner. Don't limit yourselves to your co-parent. Sometimes others can see things more clearly from an outside perspective. To read more about self-comapssion for parents: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/self_compassion_for_parents Remember, that you can use this for other parents as well. Imagine yourself in their place. How would you feel in that situation? Sometimes one kind word speaks volumes. What a huge commitment becoming a parent is. Everything suddenly changes. You're sleep deprived and don't know what you're doing, but finally you settle into a routine, one that has its bumps along the way, but it's comfortable. Now, you have another child and suddenly there is another personality to fit into the mix. Having that new personality adds a lot more spice. Some of that spice is definitely the sleep deprivation. It could also come in the form of a fussy baby, or a non-sleeper, some postpartum stress, problems with feedings, all while wrangling another child, who may or may not be very much older. Also, remember that we are all individuals from the time we are born. We never know what personalities we'll end up with in our families. Each one comes with its unique set of challenges. Some personalities will go well together, and some won't. Some siblings may adore each other, some may not. Multiple children in the same families can be as different as night and day. As families, we have to learn to navigate a sometimes complex maze of relationships, and it's not always easy.
One thing that helps a lot when introducing another child into the family is setting aside a regular scheduled alone time for the oldest child that they can count on. Children are usually fascinated with a newborn baby. Once those babies start to take on their unique personality, things start to change. The babies don't necessarily want to be poked or prodded. Maybe they're looking at something and don't want their older sibling to swoop in for a kiss. Maybe they are starting to pull hair. Even the most understanding and loving child will not like this. Eventually, there will be squabbles. If your older child or children know that they will regularly have you to themselves, even if it is for 15 minutes a day, they will not feel as though they've lost something. And, you won't have lost them, either. When they can depend on that time, you can encourage them to talk to you about their feelings. Yes, they love their sibling but they don't like ____, or they miss ____. Those things may often seem trivial to us but are important to them. If you know what those lost things are, you can often bring them back. Sooner or later, your baby will not want to share you, adding yet another spice. They will also need time when they have you to themselves. Meanwhile, they both will keep growing by leaps and bounds, with each of them bringing home new challenges. But, in spite of the challenges that go along with multiple children, they also grow up having each other, whether or not they get along. My brother and I didn't particularly like each other, but we could always depend on each other. If you have more than one child, things often take more than twice as long. I expected, when I had my second child, that it would take longer to leave the house than it had with one child, but I didn't anticipate the number of things that could go wrong at one time. I had a terrible reputation for always being late. My friends teased me. My husband and my next partner teased me. Even my children, as they got older, teased me. Feeling exasperated, I would try to explain the numbers of delays caused by others that led to my being late ... We were all dressed and ready to go when the baby vomited everywhere. Then, someone else had an accident. Walking out the door, suddenly I had to change a leaking diaper. These days, I don't have children living with me anymore and am rarely late. I did learn to plan differently, though. I often had everything packed and ready to go the night before an outing so that I wouldn't be scrambling around more than necessary. I would even pack the car the night before, being sure that I already had my diaper bag, snacks, water or other things I might need. The kids were asleep, and I could think about what needed to go with us without distraction. That became so much a part of my routine that I still do it today. When I had my first child, my housekeeping changed. I couldn't keep up with everything I had to do and also keep my home immaculate. When my second child came, my house was in chaos. I quickly learned to prioritize, constantly shifting to accomodate that chaos. I always felt that creativity and fun were important. My kids had access to all kinds of messy things to learn and create with. Spending time with them was also important. I struggled with juggling both of those important things and still getting my work done. I found lots of shortcuts like creating contained areas for messy play, or sending them outdoors with their mess. That made the clean-up easier. I also invested in various containers for different toys. Legos in one box and the train set in another, puzzles in a drawer, action figures in a bin, dolls in a basket, etc. They would bring out one or two at a time, and we would all put them away together. I even made a denim drawstring bag that opened up into a large square with a townscape of roads, buildings, a lake with a beach, a playground and more that I had made with iron on patches. The bag held their little cars and people. They played with the toys on this mat, then I just tied it back up when they were done. I also found that I could tolerate some mess if that meant I could also manage to have time for myself and for my partner. In families, we all need to learn to work together, recognizing our weaknesses and strengths and capitalizing on them. We enjoy some things more than others and are better at certain tasks than others. Why don't each of us do what we love or do well? I always hated that concept of everyone being treated exactly the same. We're not the same. If this child loves films, I will take them to a movie. If that child loves dance, I will take them dancing. If they each get to do what they love with you, they shouldn't be jealous of their sibling. Although, some jealousy is inevitable. Birthdays were particularly hard in our family until I realized that I could enlist the aid of a sibling in the planning. It made them feel a part of the excitement. And the actual celebration went better without a jealous sibling whining and trying to sabatoge it. It almost always boils down to that one all-important thing ... time. Each child needs time alone with each parent. They also need time to be only with their siblings, and each parent needs to take all of the kids by themselves and give their partner a break. Extended families are also a huge help. I loved spending time away without my brother. I had grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins. The most important ingredient in all relationships (and I include the one with yourself) is making time for all of that. Good luck! https://www.beingtheparent.com/10-golden-rules-for-parents-who-have-more-than-one-child/ This was another suggested topic, and one I seem to know a lot about - again. I was both a younger mom and an older one. I had my first child when I was 22, my next when I was 25 and the next when I had just turned 37. Then, my granddaughter came to me to raise when she was 1 and I was 51. I had already noticed a difference in my energy level when I was 37, but 51 was a huge difference. I will address the physical differences first.
At 22, I had lots of energy for running around, playing at the playground, getting up and down off of the floor, sleepless nights and carrying children long distances. I swung on the swings, climbed the jungle gyms, played games, climbed trees and more. By the time I was 37, I couldn't race around the way I once had. I got exhausted quicker and had less tolerance for chasing uncooperative children. I couldn't carry my son for long distances anymore and had trouble putting him in and out of his car seat. I struggled through, but when my granddaughter came, my chronic back issue had compounded, and I had developed arthritis. It was impossible for me to catch her when she sprinted away from me on walks, so I did what I swore I would never do. I got a "leash." It was a lifesaver - literally. I also couldn't lift her into the grocery cart, so she learned to climb up on my bended knee and jump while I guided her into the seat. I have always been a creative thinker, and nothing was going to stop me from caring for her properly. When we are older, our bodies also may recover differently from childbirth. It takes a longer to gain back our energy and to lose the extra weight. It's important to remember that and not be hard on ourselves. However, one of the many advantages to being an older parent is that you are probably more settled, less impatient, more secure in your relationship and are (hopefully) more financially secure. Then, there are the emotional issues that change with age. As a young mother, I hadn't finished my years of freedom. Since I didn't go to college, I did have some of that freedom, but I was still growing up and trying to find my way. I didn't have any girls nights out, gave up going to shows and just wasn't as secure in myself as I was later on. I struggled to "raise" myself while raising my children. However, because I was still fairly child-like, I was a fun mom. My husband resented his loss of freedom more than I did, lost his child-like qualities with the additional responsibilities and that, in addition to the financial challenges, put a huge strain on our relationship. Also, none of my friends had children yet, so we had to find and cultivate new friendships with other parents, which was not easy but at least it was possible. Some of the advantages of being a young parent is that you get your child-rearing over with early and have the rest of your life to do whatever. You will probably be a youngish grandparent, if at all. And, it wasn't that long ago that you were a child yourself, so you remember it more vividly. When I was 37, I had a couple of friends who were also having children, and it was wonderful having a community around me. As a 51-year old raising a child and a young mother, I experienced a severe lack of peers. I had plenty of friends who were supportive, but no peers. I couldn't find a local group of grandparent caregivers, so I befriended younger parents. It helped, but they weren't experiencing the same things as me. I was a mom, but not really. I had been a grandmother for over 10 years already and was finding it hard to juggle the two roles. No one can really understand that dynamic unless they experience it themselves. I eventually found a couple of grandparents in the same boat, but we were all so busy readjusting our lives around these children and maintaining our current relationships, we found little time to socialize. So, what about employment? Our expenses invariably go up when we have children. As a young mom, I hadn't yet embarked on a career and decided to be a stay-at-home parent. That was rewarding and wonderful in many ways but also held me back from pursuing what is now a successful career. If I had do it again, I would make the same decision, knowing the difficulties that came with it. I never regretted a minute of it, but it was harder to jump into the working world later. As an older mother in the working world, everything was different. I suddenly had to worry about childcare. It's not easy leaving your child with someone else while you go to work. And, I had to juggle my career work with my parenting work. Unlike many of you, I did not have a partner in this, making it even more difficult, but that will be a separate blog post. Deciding not to work outside of the home was much easier before I had a career. I was only giving up hoped-for income, not income that I already depended upon. When we're older we may have mortgages, school loans, car payments and any number of other financial obligations. So, we work full-time and squeeze in whatever time we can for our families. I decided early on that housekeeping was not as high a priority as it had been before. I chose my family over a clean house. However, as an older parent, I was much better at economizing and managing my money. We also give up a lot when we become parents. Most of those things we give up willingly, but, even so, we may sometimes feel resentment over the lack of quality time with our partner, or missing social events we are used to attending, concerts, plays, parties or weekend getaways for example. I'm always amazed at how many people don't trust other parents to care for their children. I always traded babysitting with others. My own children were often happier with other kids to play with, and the adults got time away. It's fine to trade off and have each parent take turns going out, but then you never get to go out together. That usually puts a strain on relationships that are already changing when you add kids into the mix. In indigenous communities, everyone raised the children together. It really does take a village to raise a child. It affords them an opportunity to learn that different families have different rules; they have different diets; they do different types of things together. It's hard to let go of control over what our children learn and experience, but eventually, they will go out on their own anyway, and these are important lessons for going out into the world. My kids started doing overnights early and, because it was a regular part of their early childhood, they didn't mind being away from me. One small exception was my youngest son who did go for overnights but only felt safe in very specific homes. Always respect that in your children. Trust their instincts. It's good to nudge them, but don't force the issue, if you can help it. At any age, childless friends become bored quickly with hearing you talk endlessly about your child's accomplishments and your struggles as a parent. They often give unwanted advice, thinking that they know better than you because they work in a child-related field, had younger siblings or babysat a lot. Always remember that you know your child better than anyone else and will know what's best for them, but don't be afraid to ask for help or advice when necessary, just be careful who you ask. Although your friends may be peers socially, they may not be parenting peers. And, that's an important distinction. If you have a caregiver who is with your child while you're at work, be sure to let them know what you struggle with and find out if there are struggles they are coping with as well. Tell them about any big changes. Did you have a loss recently? Is there a change in finances? Is there more stress than usual? All of these things will affect your child's behaviors, and your caregiver should be looked at as part of a team whether they are babysitting just once in a while or watching your child full-time. Like everything, there are pros and cons to both situations. Everyone does this in their own way and it all works. These are just things to keep in the back of your mind. I think the biggest piece of advice I have for parents of any age is to find peers, other moms and dads who are around your age with whom you can share your successes and failures, your hopes and worries. And, find people who have been through it that you can go to with questions, whether it's one of your own parents or a trusted friend. We all need a helping hand sometimes, and there are lots of experienced people willing to share what they've learned over the years or willing to help you figure it out by listening to you. Also, remember to care for yourself physically and emotionally, no matter what age you are. We are doing our children a disservice when we don't prioritize ourselves. In everything we do, we are modeling for our children. Do we want to model detrimental self-sacrifice? Certainly not. We want to teach our children to value themselves while they care for others. We can only teach that by doing it ourselves. We need to value ourselves and our partners and make time for everyone, including ourselves. It's not an easy task but is very important and worthwhile. Here's a great article that lists 5 pros and 5 cons of being an older parent. https://www.thespruce.com/being-an-older-parent-4155772 And one on being a young parent: http://afreshstartonabudget.com/the-pros-and-cons-of-being-a-young-mom/ This post is coming out later than I had hoped. It was delayed by my trip to Maine to visit my son and his family. It was a difficult trip from before I even left the house with my car breaking down, scrambling to rent a car at the last minute on the day before Easter and a long drive which had me arrive many hours later than I'd planned. Then the trip itself was stressful for a variety of reasons. Never forget that no matter how old your children are, they are always your children. Even adults need some guidance or a helping hand now and then. The trick is knowing how much to help and when to say no, which is not an easy thing to do.
I had a lot of time to think about my kids and about my relationship with their father on my drive home. It made me realize that I forgot to include a very important component in the last post about maintaining your sense of self. It's important to pay attention to your partner. You decided to have children because you love each other. Many couples get so involved in raising their children, they forget to continue being in love. When I talk about being in love, I'm not talking about that all consuming passion that happens in the beginning. I'm talking about the slow growing comfort and dependence on each other, though the passion is important, too. Your partner should be your best friend. If they're not, something is wrong. My husband and I had our daughter less than two years after getting together. We were young, adventurous and carefree, traveling around the country, playing music along the way with big hopes and dreams. When we discovered I was pregnant, we happily traded that carefree life for a more settled one, though settled had a different definition for us than for most people. We decided that I would be a stay-at-home mom, and I loved doing that. It had it's disadvantages too, though. I was living in Santa Cruz, California and had very little community, having moved there from Connecticut. I was still very shy and became stir-crazy very quickly. I didn't know about mom's groups or story hours at local libraries, so I immersed myself in being the best mother and housekeeper I could be but did it all alone. That was my first mistake. I spent all of my days with my baby girl, taking her for walks, singing and reading to her and propping her up on the kitchen table while I baked bread or cooked other yummy things. Her dad worked a full-time job as a cook. It was very stressful, and he didn't love his job. When he came home, he wanted to relax in peace and quiet. I'd had no adult conversation all day and almost lunged at him verbally. Of course, he hated this. I also wanted a break from entertaining a baby and expected him to rush over and scoop our daughter up. You can easily see, this was a recipe for disaster. Over time, I learned to let him debrief first, but those early days were difficult. We became so overwhelmed with just trying to survive financially and otherwise, we forgot about each other. We still played music and wrote songs together, but it became more of a job. We'd lost sight of the things we loved, including each other. We never went out together unless our children came with us, though most of that was due to economics and lack of support. What we didn't realize is that we didn't have to go out on dates to acknowledge our love. We forgot to have meaningful conversations. We talked about problems, money, the kids, but never talked about life, politics or other non-family oriented topics. We kept moving further and further away from each other emotionally and eventually ... physically. We soon became angry, not really at each other, just at our situations, and took it out on each other. If I could do it all over, I would make time for the man I loved. I would be physically close to him noticing that I was tired but also noticing the love we shared. I would remember to have conversations that didn't involve my complaining about the woes of the day. But, I would also make time to listen to his woes and ask him to listen to mine, too. I would find other parents with whom we could trade babysitting and ask him to go for walks with me, remembering that it isn't necessary to spend money to enjoy each other's company. I would remember to praise his efforts whether or not I thought they were enough and find ways to encourage change that didn't involve criticism. It's easy to look back and see all the things that I would change, and I have changed many of those with subsequent partners, but that's why I'm writing this post, so that you don't have to look back later with the same regrets. It's not easy. Our relationships are always hard work whether they are friendships or love affairs, but they are worth every effort. Our love can easily stagnate when we throw children into the mix. I hope you don't let that happen to you. Last week, I asked for more blog topic suggestions. Thanks to everyone who responded with such great ideas. I will get to each one eventually. One mom asked me to write about how to keep your own life and sense of self-worth while "drowning" in parenthood. I responded that it is such a huge topic to cover, it could be a book rather than a mere blog post. But, I will do my best. As some of you know, I had my first child two days after my 22nd birthday. I had my next one 3 1/2 years later and a third 11 1/2 years after that. That's a long time to be actively parenting but not crazy. I still had plenty of time left for me. Then, I ended up raising my granddaughter for 9 years when my youngest was 13. I was 50 when she came to me. I had always planned on pursuing my music career once my children were older, but that time frame kept getting pushed further and further away from me. So, when my youngest was around 5, I decided not to wait any longer, quit my job and started looking for consistent music jobs which included going to schools and teaching private lessons. It was a hard road but worthwhile. But, I digress. Music had always been the most important thing to me until my children came along. Even though they were important, I couldn't give up music completely and while they were young, I gave lessons out of my home, worked part-time in a music store and an electronics repair shop and did gigs with their father. Our gigging was limited because of childcare, but we managed anyway and always played at home, inviting others over to jam with us on a regular basis. My children were surrounded with the thing we loved and learned to accept that their dad and I were musicians. They even accompanied us to many events and parties. If you have something you love, please continue to do it, and let your children experience your love for it. I've had lots of musician friends who never played when their children were around. They devoted all of their attention to the kids. That's great, up to a point, but shouldn't our children learn to respect our need to live our own lives in addition to being their parents? At parties, those same friends couldn't jam with us, because their children were jealous and demanding. I wanted my children to know that it was okay for me to love other things in addition to caring for them. They did learn that and respected that necessary space. The flip side of this is the musicians who ignored their children when they played, leaving them on their own and feeling abandoned. Our children still need to know that they are a priority, but need to have respect for your needs as well. Before I turned 40, I was a vocalist and didn't really play instruments, though I did play classical piano. Being a vocalist enabled me to hold my babies while I sang. Later, when I played guitar, I wore my granddaughter on my back while I played. My second child learned to find a table to climb under and would fall asleep on our jackets or blankets I had brought for that purpose. He was out of harms way at gigs and parties and slept well, lulled to sleep by the music. When they were young, they always had an adult available at gigs who could step in if needed. At parties, or at home, they knew they could come to me between songs for whatever they needed, and I took regular breaks to check in with them. They always came first but were also included in whatever the activity was that I was engaged in. In the same way that we teach our children to say "please" and "thank-you," we need to teach them that we are important, that we had a life before them and will have one after they move on. If you didn't start out doing this, it may take a little while for them to accept it, but it's worth every tear. Like so many things, it is always a fine balance and goes for anything you love. Do you love to read? Do your children see you reading your own books, or do you only read to them? Why not read a story to them then get them to look at their own books while you squeeze in a chapter or two? Do you love making art? You can make your own art while your children are making theirs. Gardening? What child doesn't love to dig in the dirt? As they get a little older, teach them to recognize a weed or two and make a game of pulling weeds. Music? Give them some instruments, sing a few songs they love, then tell them gently that it's your turn. If we never pursue our hobbies in front of our children, they will not learn that those hobbies are important to us and help make us whole. It's not necessary to lose ourselves in order to be good parents. Rather, it's necessary to not lose ourselves but to continue to grow and thrive. My children and grandchildren are all comfortable making music and still engage in other things that were important to me and their father. I think (I hope) we did a good job modeling a good and full life for them. Please feel free to submit questions either publicly or privately. There's so much more I could say. First of all, many thanks to everyone who suggested topics for this blog. I will get to every one of them eventually. And now, I have a huge list. This one is a highly charged topic that everybody has feelings about. I've been thinking about this one for a while now but it came to a head with a new St. Patrick's Day activity.
Apparently, this year some of the schools have been encouraging kids to build leprechaun traps telling them that, if they build one of these elaborate traps, the leprechaun will leave a treat. This is wrong on so many levels. First of all, leprechauns only give you their pot of gold if you actually catch them, and they are almost impossible to catch. They don't leave candy or toys, and they are so tricky, they almost never get caught. Secondly, why do we need another excuse to get our kids all hyped up about consumerism? Don't we have enough of that to battle already? There are so many other fun ways to celebrate St. Patrick's Day, which is supposed to be about Irish pride, not about getting trashed or pretending that you have that heritage. As someone of Irish heritage, I find it insulting that the holiday has become an excuse for wanton drunkenness. Now, we have Easter coming up soon. Because I didn't want tons of candy around, I used to have a fruit basket with things we didn't always have around. There were always fresh berries, but we also had mangoes, papayas and other non-everyday fruits. There was also candy in my kids' baskets, and a few fun spring themed toys, but the baskets weren't overloaded and were reasonably sized. And each Easter, they each got a beautiful picture book. I had so much fun choosing the perfect book for each child. They had to have a great story and spectacular pictures. We also colored eggs and had an egg hunt. The eggs and the hunt afforded us a chance to have some quality family time, creating and enjoying each others company. After all, I didn't need hyperactive sugar crazed kids with more breakable plastic toys. What we all needed was togetherness. Even their dad, who loathed holidays, enjoyed this one, stepping up to the challenge of hiding the eggs in places not too hard but not too easy. As the kids got older, they would take turns hiding them for us to find. A lot of families are now looking at downsizing and are helping their children choose a charity where donations can be made on their birthdays in lieu of presents. For the winter holidays, why not sift through toy boxes and donate old unused toys to children in need. Recycling old toys is a great way to make room for new things while helping others. It's refreshing to see that re-gifting is growing in popularity. One Christmas, my husband and I told our kids that we wanted them to give gifts that they either made or found. We all had so much fun figuring out what to give each other. Some of the best gifts I've received have been homemade gifts. And, I love thinking about someone I'm making a gift for as I'm making it. Coupon books are an easy thing even for the very young. I still have a coupon from my granddaughter for one homemade dessert and another for a shoulder rub. I may not even turn them in. That's not the point, though I'll probably get the shoulder rub. :-) http://business.time.com/2012/07/19/got-stuff-typical-american-home-cluttered-with-possessions-and-stressing-us-out/ I've always admired the Jewish holiday's lack of commercialism. Not wanting to ignore Passover during this time of year, I looked for Passover crafts and found many things that reinforced the lessons of Passover and want to share a couple of those with you. Rather than turning this important holiday into an extravaganza of gift giving and money spending, everything I found was about teaching the story. It would be wonderful if we could return to this with the Christian holidays, too. Let's remember what it is we're celebrating. Elijah's cup: https://toriavey.com/home-garden/family-fun-elijahs-cup-passover-craft/ The ten plagues: http://www.creativejewishmom.com/2011/04/ten-plagues-passover-craft-fun-placards-for-the-seder.html%20 I encourage everyone to get creative when thinking about gift giving and maybe give gifts less often. Most of us don't need to be bombarded with more stuff. Why not give a gift of time instead? In families with more than one child, alone time with one parent may be more valuable than a stuffed Easter Bunny. For a few years, we gathered natural plant materials and made our own dyes to color our eggs. It was a longer process but a wonderfully spent day. If it dyes your fingers, it probably will dye the eggs. Go ahead and experiment. Here are some sites with recipes for this. In addition to the ones listed, I've also used sumac berries. You can leave the eggs for a longer amount of time for richly colored eggs. https://www.bhg.com/holidays/easter/eggs/natural-easter-egg-dyes/ https://www.thekitchn.com/how-to-make-vibrant-naturally-dyed-easter-eggs-holiday-projects-from-the-kitchn-112957 Grandparents can be some of the most important people in your children's lives, even if they live a distance away. I have many fond memories of visiting my grandparents in Niantic, Connecticut. The drive there was fun, and their home was magical. I remember vividly playing underneath their grand piano with my brother and cousins. I also remember the front porch and the hydrangea bush at the corner. I have very few memories from my childhood, but I remember every detail about their house and yard. We used to dig in the dirt under the hydrangea bush and find old marbles, and after my grandmother told me about the tooth fairy taking our teeth and turning them into pearls, I would lift the edge of the carpet at the bottom of the stairs and often find little pearls or other beads that had dropped off of the fairy's necklace. Every morning, we would have soft boiled eggs in an egg cup. After my brother and I had eaten ours, we would turn the shell upside down and present it to our grandfather asking, "Do you want another one, Grandpa?" He always did and was fooled every time, laughing at the great joke on him. These visits were my favorite times as a child. We were loved and adored in a way that parents can't possibly maintain.
However, grandparents can also be annoying know-it-alls. I have fallen into that trap myself sometimes with my own family and had to learn from those mistakes. Ultimately, parents know their children best and, although they will make mistakes, they are their own mistakes to make. We grandparents have already made ours, and it's time to pass on the baton. We are well-meaning and have learned a lot over the years and are often trying to prevent those same mistakes from happening again. But, it can be hard on new parents. How do we find a balance between sharing knowledge and being overbearing? I often try to ask the parents for their permission before putting in my two cents. I also ask if I'm overstepping my bounds and hope they will be honest with me. It's very important for grandparents to remember not to override a parent. They need our support, not our competition. Our job is to be an ally to both the parent and the child. That is not always an easy thing to do. It's a tightrope that we have to walk, and parents don't often recognize that struggle. The fact that we raised our children, and they are still our children even when they are adults but are no longer children, presents its own dilemma. So, what can we do to smooth things out? Parents, please be compassionate with your parents. Understand that they are only trying to help. Ask for their opinions and for help solving problems. It's hard to feel left out. Don't only ask for their help with babysitting. Have fun time, too. Yes, you need a break, but grandparents raised children for a long time and also need a break - a long term one. Some grandparents thrive on babysitting, and that's great, but some don't. They may have a hard time saying no and may end up feeling resentful. Be sure that they have time with their grandchildren without you around so they can develop their own unique relationship, and try not to be jealous of that relationship. It is going to be very different from their relationship with you. We don't choose our families, but there are often certain family members that we really click with, people that we would befriend out in the world. It's important to acknowledge that and encourage the closeness that blooms from that. It enriches everyone's lives. Grandparents, try to be sensitive to the needs of your children to have autonomy as parents. Don't criticize, and try to ask permission before giving helpful suggestions. Don't undermine their authority, whether verbally or through body language. Children see those eye rolls and hear those sighs. Keep things personal and reflecting your own experiences. Preface your suggestions with language such as, "I remember when you ... then I decided to ..." Or, "When I was a young parent, ______ told me ... and it was so helpful." Also, share your mistakes and failures as well as your successes. Remember how difficult parenting can be and let them know that you remember. You don't want to appear perfect. It gives your children an impossible standard to live up to and sets them up to feel like failures. And most importantly, praise their efforts often. Tell them what good parents they are. We all need to hear that. The most important thing to remember is that we are all human, all doing the best we can under the circumstances, and we need to be compassionate with each other. We all love these young children and can learn to be a team. www.bostonglobe.com/lifestyle/2015/12/13/close-grandparent-grandchild-relationships-have-healthy-benefits/kxL8AnugpVBKknDuzHZDKO/story.html Please send me your comments and suggestions for future topics. This blog is for you. |
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